Someone once told me families are complex and familial relationships are hard work. While this is a general statement, it’s important to remember that sometimes cutting your losses and minimizing contact with certain family members is often the only logical and sensible course of action.
There are many different sources of dysfunction within families. The common outcome is that children suffer from dysfunctional parents. Parents that favour an authoritarian parenting style often withhold affection and support from their children. Parents with addiction issues are often emotionally unavailable and basically live to fuel their addiction. Addictions range from substance abuse to engaging in more socially acceptable forms of addiction (for example workaholism).
Addiction creates an unstable, unpredictable home. An angry parent with sudden mood swings or withdrawal by the parent creates fearful and anxious children who often blame themselves or each other for the situation they are living in. The children may be expected to keep secrets and tell lies to ‘protect’ the family. Protect it from whom? People who might intervene and actually might have the power to enact change for the better? Adult children of people with addiction problems face higher risks of stress, trust issues and sometimes develop their own addictions.
Arguments, criticism and abuse can be frequent occurrences in high-conflict families. Some are even under the impression that this is a ‘normal’ way to live. It certainly is not. Some view their family members as possessions rather than as individuals with their own needs, this can lead to mental, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. This can lead to increased feelings of fear, shame, unworthiness and isolation for children as they grow. As adults, some ugly conditions such as depression, anxiety, addiction, PTSD and personality disorders may become apparent.
Dysfunctional families often deny that issues exist and punish family members who speak up about problems. Gaslighting and manipulation within dysfunctional families can cause concerned members to doubt their own experience and wonder if they are exaggerating the problem in their own mind – this is highly unlikely to be the case. Do you fear being ostracized from your family for speaking your truth, if so maybe its time to question the true value these people are to you.
Children in dysfunctional families are often punished for expressing themselves, sharing their opinions, having hobbies or even academically outperforming the toxic parent.
Recognizing that you grew up in a dysfunctional family is the first step to breaking the cycle. However, working through any unresolved trauma is also essential. I highly recommend a trauma-informed counsellor well versed in your specific issues. Setting strong boundaries and limiting your contact with problematic family members while you work on your self-esteem and the process of recovering is also an extremely good idea.
This article which was my main source for writing this piece includes a comprehensive list of questions about your family situation in your childhood. Answering ‘yes’ to just one of the questions could potentially be a major red flag.
A final thought, this wee tune is doing the rounds on social media at the minute: Here it is in it’s entirety. The ‘F’ word is not one I tend to use at all anymore but sometimes it’s the best expression that fits the circumstances. Although my favourite lines from the song are:
You don’t need revenge, you don’t need their name
Walking away is how you win the game
Let them live bitter, let them live small
Your greatest revenge is rising above it all
Let them talk, let them say what they like,
We walk through the fire and survive every night
No more chains and no more fear
The road gets brighter when hope is near
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HdnbAInY50&list=RD8HdnbAInY50&start_radio=1
Sorry, it doesn't let me embed the video as its age limited due to the language used.
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